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My Depression story

I really don't know what to say? I'm 15, I've been dealing with depression for 5 years. Being unhappy with myself for since I was 6 years old. I don't find myself pretty, or smart, I don't even know why I'm living. I guess its because I'm just to scared to do anything. I was a beautiful, beautiful girl when I was four. I had "Natural" beauty. That changed when I was "too" skinny. I guess my mom wanted me to gain weight, so that teachers wouldn't think I was being neglected. But now I have to deal with severe obesity. I'm around 230 pounds. Probably more now. In the third grade, I was bullied so much, that I had to be taken out of school and put into homeschooling. And that is the most lonely thing ever. I have no friends, my family doesn't even care to acknowledge that I have "problems" Even when I was in school, I never got it. I feel every day, like I'm some retarded freak. I feel it when I look at myself in the mirror, I feel it when I try to comprehend educational things. I have one person, in my life, but it doesn't help. It doesn't take these feelings I have away. No matter what he tells me, assuring me that I'm not what I feel I am, I can't, I never believe it. I don't have the cutest clothes. I don't have the best makeup. Even my room is a handmedown. Every day, I feel like ending my life, more and more. And I know, I wont have this big funeral. I wont have all these pretty flowers surrounding me. I wont have anyone to come up and talk about what a great person I was. My parents are basically divorced  They just wont admit it and get a legal one. I'm never going to be loved, Because who could love a ugly monster? Who could truthfully look at a thing in its eye and say they love it? I'm nothing but a thing. If I ever thought otherwise, I was dreaming. I just wish, No. I demand, I demand a better life. I demand to be pretty, to be skinny, to have the cutest clothes and make up, To have tons of friends, to have a mom and dad who loves each other  To be loved by someone. To have my first kiss. Is that just to much to ask for? Does good things really not happen to good people? Am I cursed so much that I can't be happy for one moment without something bad happeing? It always seems like it.

2:30 AM Eastern Time

1/15/2013